2009

It's been a long year. Tiring emotional-draining one.

Year 2009. I have lost someone to another, I have lost someone to heaven, I have lost so many other things. And that they've chose to come one after another without giving me a break to breathe. And I thought I would break down and never stand up again. This year is like a downpour, a roller coaster ride. The worst of all, and yet the best of all my eighteen years.

Everyone says only with mistakes or obstacles, then you will learn and gain more. Now I truly understand it. Through all these, I guessed I only emerged stronger. I fought for someone I loved, but still lost it in the end. At least I tried achieving, but it always take both sides to fight together, I end up feeling tired and realised he would rather I'd not fight.

SNX. I learn that life is so fragile. Experienced how it felt when you were holding in your hands when it was taking its last few breathes, I remembered how my tears were just flowing uncontrolled. Worse when you don't dare to cry afterwards. It only takes awhile for me to fall in love with something I thought I would never have, and it takes a long time to recover from that pain when you lose it forever. I'm not comfortable talking about it. But nevertheless, it was not a regret.

Good things that I've been through this year. I left home for six weeks to live without depending on my family. That is one big experience. Big enough to cover up all tiny sadness. I travelled, went and see many places this year, realised so many life values. And, another big thing! I found out that I've slowly learn to love whatever I'm studying.

I guess I still miss S alot, and I guess I still love him. But he's not the same person at all. Same name looks the same. When the 'Happy Birthday' email came in, I felt nothing, like he was just another friend I know. The S I've been thinking about is gone, only remisnicing the one I used to know. It's confusing and strange. It feels as if he died.